Let the wife see that she respects her husband!

I have been reading the book "Living it and Lovin it" by the http://www.joelandkathy.com/

I had to truly giggle with delight as I read their chapter on RESPECT! It was refreshing to hear!

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

You notice the blue text? I highlighted that because I wanted to draw to a point here! They mentioned this in their book, and I really feel they made a good point! They mentioned that the above passage we hear has 183 words, and the last 10 are addressed to wife's. You ever notice how many books, articles, sermons, threads on boards, etc are address those 10 words? You notice the difference compared to the first 173 words? What is my point, and what am I getting at? Well guess what might be coming next (internal giggle)!

FOUR TIMES the husbands are told to love their wives with agape love! They are told to lie down their lives for her, and LOVE their wives as they love themselves!

We all know there are women out there that have Godly husband's like this, and we also know that you will have wife's that won't respect their husbands.....no matter HOW well he lives by this passage! We aren't going to address that today.

The emphasis SEEMS to be on the husband's in this passage, and there is a last remark for the wife's. What the author's find asounding (as with myself) is the billing those last 10 words get compared to the rest of the 173! I have been told in the past it was due to the fact that its mostly women that buy the books, articles, etc on relationships. There is no true audience like this for men's relationship books towards marriage. I'm sure we could find some, but shall we compare the numbers? Just go look at your local bookstore, or even check the internet! Where are all the books, articles, videos, threads on boards, etc SPEAKING as strongly about this aspect? I mean you read all the time that people just NEED to get right with the LORD, and maybe the divorce rates will go down! If women are reading all those books, articles, etc on relationships TRYING to do those 10 last words.........we should have 100 times more available for the men! They have a HUGE job here according to this passage! Apage love wouldn't place the emphasis on 'respect', because in the majority of the cases they would recieve it! I mean respect is given when? According to the church respect is to be given EVEN when undeserved! Do you see the same pressure about this apage LOVE that is to be there no matter what? What is strange is that SEEMS to be the defination! RIGHT?!

They had a nice comparsion in this chapter on respect! They said what if you employer asked you to go and sweep the walk 4 TIMES in a 183 words dialog always STRESSING this sweeping...then ended the thought with, "and could you also take out the trash!" Which may be more important to you at first? WHICH seems to be the priority? How do you think your employer would react if you just took out the trash? I mean he did SAY that also right?! Do you think he would feel you were listening to the true message? Do you think he would be happy with that result?

The church seems to be TAKING OUT THE TRASH a little to much, and what happened to the sweeping of the sidewalk? Do a search for the sweeping of the sidewalk, and you will find alot of articles STILL within that content talking a little to much about TRASH!

With Ephesians 5:25-33 it amazes me with the messages we get MOST of the time!

1. BOOKS coming out on the importance to both jobs equally SWEEPING the walk and taking out that trash!


2. ARTICLES on that TRASH really needing alot of attention...oh and by the way sweep the walk will ya!


3. AND my personal favorite the doctrinal dissertation on the NEED to take that trash out, and we don't need to talk about the sidewalk!

You have SEEN the amounts of material written on the RESPECTING of the husband! Where are the mountains of literature the other direction? LOL I guess I missed it! I guess some would say that men don't need that study or something. The world has spent so much time on the other end you seem to wonder WHY the divorce rate is so high if that was so perfect! LOL I mean MOST men are going around loving their spouses with ALL this apage love, and we are all in such AWE as to WHY these wifes just can't respect that right? I mean this blog is dedicated those spouses that DON'T do this! Where is the help for these poor lost souls? I mean you have men that belittle, ignore, curse at, and cheat on their spouses...and what are their spouses asked to do? RESPECT them more of all things! NO wonder these men can't get it right, no one is telling them that apage love is NOT dependent on respect! Things are written all the time on HOW men need this respect, and they will LOVE you in return! That isn't what the bible says to do! He is to LOVE her always - not dependent on the respect - and that is what the passage is addressing!

The wife then feels that pressure to offer her husband underserved respect. Most Christian wives cannot disregard their perceived duty in the same manner that their husbands disregard the responsibility to love them with agape love. These wives feel a deep burden to be obedient to God. They often struggle to respect their husbands regardless of their commitment to love. Can the husband's LEARN apage love the other way around? I'm sure they can! Is that what Paul had in mind with this above passage? Respect comes naturally to women that feel this LOVE from their spouse! Since most of the responsibility is placed on the husband WHY is it we stress so much in the other direction? Aren't we doing things a bit backwards?

Joel speaks of this in the book:

I live with Kathy according to the knowledge that I have learned from listening to her heart. I meet her needs because I have allowed her to be direct with me about those that she has. This is what it means to lay my life down for my wife. I listen for her heart. When she expresses a need, she gets my full attention. I focus on her so that she feels the esteem of the premium value which I bestow upon her. I respect Kathy. I honor Kathy. Does she respect me in return? Of course! Why wouldn’t she? Is my greatest need as a man to be respected by Kathy? No!

My greatest need as a man is to become the man that God has called me to be by becoming the husband that my wife needs me to be! My greatest need as a man is to walk in maturity and Christlikeness.

Respect from Kathy is a by-product of my actions and attitudes of love.

WOW! What a great part of the BOOK! He has it! One thing he said in the chapter that truly went against the grain of what you read most of the time IS...

On the other hand, if the stress manifests itself in a bad attitude or action toward her or the children, she tells me about it. I respect her enough to receive the correction. Do I feel “respected” in that moment when she says, “Joel, you are over-reacting about such and so.” No. I am not supposed to feel respected. I am not acting respectably.

Most of the time that is the OPPOSITE of what women are asked to DO! If their man comes off defensive like some they are told - watch your tone, don't be a nag! RESPECT your husband! Why is that? Where is the APAGE love in that response of being defensive to correction that is needed? Why are we asking people in TROUBLE to walk on eggshells? What is SO hard about this concept? Could it be that men have a hard time dealing with pride and ego? I'm sure it is! I mean that is how they are wired most of the time, and lets face it....how society tends to push them to be! We are asked to DIE to ourselves within scripture, and with that process pride and egos would DIE along with it!

Kathy mentioned:

There was a time when I could not offer real respect although I desperately tried to manufacture it. Joel didn’t live in a way that deserved respect! I would try because that was what I was told to do. How could I honor a man who treated me so poorly? When we would get into an argument, Joel would convince me that it was entirely my fault. Sometimes after these fights I would beat myself up emotionally because I had lost my cool and ended up yelling or throwing something at him.

You read all the time of this type of senerio, and I guess I truly never understood it. You have someone being treated poorly, and pouring her heart out to others and she is told basically DEAL WITH IT! You must respect your husband in all, and its NOT dependent on his doing his job! Roll with the punches, and don't take things so personally! Take your burden to God, and as scripture say he will take your burden, and the yoke will be light! In other words, at least to ME - you do your job and lets NOT worry about him doing his okay? The one that was told with 173 words how important it is for him to treat his spouse in such a way doesn't need correction! YOUR attitude does! You aren't respecting him enough if you feel HURT by his behavior! I always wondered if they were telling us you are being to sensitive, and to get a thicker skin! That goes against want scripture states!

I believed that I was called to respect Joel and submit to him in anything except for sin. In retrospect, the concept that I had to put up with mistreatment and yet still offer respect was just flat out wrong. God never wanted me to be treated the way that I was treated. God never
expected me to respect Joel no matter what. Marriage is not “carte blanche” for a man’s selfishness. I was God’s daughter! I was God’s creation! I deserved to be treated in the right way!

Certainly, no one was telling me that. The best that I ever got was, “Just submit to him, love him and respect him. God will bring him around.” That advice cost me years of heartache.

As we know these comments have caused alot of people heartache! GET RIGHT WITH GOD they tell you, and yet to me at times they haven't got the first clue yet themselves!

This couple started after Joel himself had mistreated his wife for years within the marriage. She was told to submit and respect! Joel himself reminded her of his headship! He had an affair, and instead of having any closure he announced that he repented and was forgiven....and to DROP IT! Certain questions, attitudes and hurts show that SHE wasn't doing things right! Paul Hegstrom got ahold of him, and took the scales off his eyes! Joel wasn't a wife beater as Paul Hegstrom was! He did recoginize the beatings of other forms he was giving his wife, and that was far from what God expected of him as a Godly husband!

People of troubled marriages would benefit from their ministry. Couples that aren't would as well, but it does tend to wake up selfish men that tend to break not only themselves...but their family along with it! Joel basically states that he was emotionally maybe 5-8 years old! His reactions were those a child, and his actions were also! He was to busy stating if she would JUST do her job everything would be FINE! What he didn't grasp was if he did his job, and GREW UP God would bestow him with the marriage he never dreamed of! He gets the proper respect from his wife now, and he doesn't do it because SHE is doing her job! He is doing his job that God has asked him to, and the byproduct of that is a wife that couldn't love him MORE! THat he enjoys her honoring and respecting him! That is TRULY a helpmate! He learned to die to himself, and showed this love to his wife. Genesis says that women have desire to serve the husband. HUSBANDS will RULE over them! The way I read it is what is happening today, and that RULING wasn't meant as some command or gift from him! It was due to the fall, and humans would have to WORK to get it right with HIM!

Gen 3:15 And there will be war between you and the woman and between your seed and her seed: by him will your head be crushed and by you his foot will be wounded.
Gen 3:16 To the woman he said, Great will be your pain in childbirth; in sorrow will your children come to birth; still your desire will be for your husband, but he will be your master.

The bible speaks many times of what a good leader is. Demanding respect, submission, commanding headship be recognized is NOT within scripture as leadership qualities. At times you see this pushed a little to much, and when you have ego and pride sprinkled on top to have hurt and heartache! In Peter the scripture states that if you do not treat your wife as the coheir in grace that your prayers will be hindered! The scripture above pushes the agape love that God asks you to show your wife.

Joel and Kathy's ministry will help those that are serious about their walk to be Godly spouses! The men will be told to DIE upon themselves, and allow pride and ego to go with it! They will be told to GROW UP, and be the Man God asks you to be! STOP the manipulation and guilt trips, and allow your wife to be safe opening her heart to you without attacks, belittling and mininizing of her thoughts. We are all to be servants, and they can show you HOW to be a better servant of God! How to find that marriage you both wish to have, and how to get there! It won't be easy, and wifes will have to learn to open their hearts once again! BOTH are going to have jobs to do, but the dynamics of it are very different!

They have had plenty of broken marriages restored, and NOT in way that asks the family to walk on eggshells, shut down feelings, and avoid things that shouldn't be avoided. LOVE and being a true servant instead of concentrating on those 10 ten words! Joel says once he learned to do this he has the marriage he always wanted, and she honors, respects and loves him in return!

Men should be dealing with relationship books, articles, etc MORE than they are! They have one heck of line to tow! When the time comes that we push that portion a bit more, and a bit less unrealistic pressure on the other end to HOLD UP the relationship we may see a HUGE difference! When they stop asking WOMEN to step up and DO the man's job as far as keeping things together at the expense of themselves (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) we might actually SEE some differences in this world! After 50 years + of this PUSH for women to submit - its time to truly show those broken men how to TRULY love....so they can be the man that God wishes them to be! THEN we will make a difference in this world!

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